Twilight Tales
by parabataimorelikeparagaytai
Summary: Series of random oneshots that I thought up off the top of my head. Rated M for rude language and adult themes.
1. Episode 1

**harro ppls! This is my first fanfiction. I was thinking of doing a series of little funny ministories of the vamps and werewolves. This is just for a bit of a laugh since i am a humourous person :D so its not supposed to be very realistic. They do not continue on. They are just.. episodes. like the simpsons no proper plot... anyways I hope I got that clear. Plz be kind to me as its my first :D. hope you will enjoy reading. This has some swearing in it.**

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**Episode 1**

Jacob and the vampires are in Carlisle's office in the hospital discussing about the benefits of living at a hospital.

Jasper: Mmmm, free donated blood, so yummeh.

(runs off to get some)

Carlisle: (calling after him) HEY! JASPER! I SPENT FIVE YEARS COLLECTING THAT BLOOD! Whatevs, just don't drink all the O blood

Jasper: Oh, sorry daddy, too late

Bella: *sighs deeply*

Carlisle's face slowly turns tomato red from anger

Alice: (face goes blank) Snap decision... Carlisle has decided to go and beat up Jasper...

(Carlisle flies out of the room to go and beat Jasper up)

Bella: Uhh, that's nice?

Alice: WAIT! WHAT? OMG DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BABY HUSSIE BANDIEEEEE. (runs off to save Jasper)

Emmett: LOOOOOOOL, I TAPED THAT!

Rosalie: *resisting the urge to punch Emmett's face in*

Jacob: Well, I like the hospital cause you can eat all the mutherbleeping food you can eat especially if you're sick

Edward: Ah! Language.

Jacob: Shut up, biatch. Lawl I just put that in to piss you off, Eddie-poopykins

Edward: Don't fucking call me that...

Jacob: (waggles his finger annoyingly at Edward and talks in a posh accent ) Uh, uh, uh, language!

(Edward slowly turns purple from anger and goes out to check on Alice and Carlisle)

Rosalie: I like the babies, they are so cute. Anyways, aren't you the bitch? I mean you're a dog.

Jacob: Yeah, totally, as if the hospital newborns would like a blonde perv creeping around trying to hump babies.

(Rosalie turns beetroot red from anger)

Emmett: Now, now darling, don't get too angry.

Esme: Please darlings, don't start arguing. Ah well, I'll leave you gay hobos to sort your troubles out.

Rosalie: (through clenched teeth) Yes mother, do that.

Esme: *sighs* Ok, I'm just gonna walk away now...

(Esme leaves)

Jacob: Lol, did you see how Rosey Wosey turned _beetroot_ red instead of tomato red like Dr. Fang? It's from all the Botox and the mountain of blush she puts on everyday to make her pretty, oh whoops, I mean, to make her look ugly.

Rosalie: ARGH! The point of makeup is to make you look pretty!

Jacob: I know, you're so ugly that when you put on makeup the most prettiest you can be is ugly and that's a bonus for you

Rosalie: THIS IS WHY I FRIKKIN HATE WEREWOLVES! ARGH!

Jacob: LAWL, it's ok Barbie, Ken's here to kiss you better

Emmett: (trying to talk over Jacob's laughs and Rosalie's angry growling) Continue, pup, you were talking about being a bitch?

Jacob: Oh yea! Rosalie, please keep in mind that I'm a guy so therefore I'm a dog.

Emmett: LOOOOOOOOOL! YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE A DOG LAWL! I TAPED THAT TOO!

Rosalie: Shut the hell up Emmett! Here, how about you go flounce off to beat up Jasper for me cause I felt like asking you too?

Emmett: Sure! (goes off)

Jacob: Well, that got rid of him and his gay recordings.

Rosalie: So anyways, what were we saying?

Bella: Something about being a dog

Jacob: Oh right! Anyways, _Rosalie, _you're the blonde bitch with no brain.

Rosalie: At least I have my looks! Oh and my sexy dance moves.

(She takes out a mirror and starts dancing seductively)

Bella: *facepalm* Ok, I'm just gonna go and, uhh, check out Jasper and Carlisle... (she runs off)

Rosalie: See how cool I look? (continues dancing)

Jacob: Who are you trying to impress? The man in the mirror?

Rosalie: What? YOU LITTLE BITCH! ARGH! I HATE YOU!

And so we leave our favourite werewolf and posh I'm so pretty vampire to fight with each other. Until next time...

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**A/N: Hope you guys liked that. should i continue? I just think of ideas randomly just like that *clicks fingers* please review. i have written the next episode by the way which i will put up too :D . so yeah. leave a review and possibly some tips for writing :D**


	2. Episode 2

**A/N Hey Guys! Here is Episode 2 of Twilight Tales :D To me this is funnier than the previous one. So enjoy !**

**Love and chocolate strawberries xox stella**

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The wolf pack and the vampires are at the Rez have a bonfire night and playing truth or dare but things take a turn for the wrong.

Emmett: Ok, Jake, your go! Truth or dare?

Jacob: Uhh, dare?

Alice: I dare you to make out with Carlisle

Esme: HEY!

Carlisle: It's ok, I'll won't tongue him. I dunno about Jacob though...

Rosalie: I feel so sorry for Carlisle

Embry: Oh shut up, blondie!

Rosalie: Hmph! *tosses hair*

Edward and Bella: This is going to be bad

Jacob: Alright *cracks knuckles*

(Jacob walks over to where Calizzy is sitting and tongues him)

Carlisle: WTF WAS THAT?

Leah: Your poisoning my poor baby brother's innocent mind

Seth: (laughing his butt off) LAWL! DID YOU SEE CARLYWARLY'S FACE?

Quil: I KNOW! SOOO RETARDED!

Esme: (glaring at Jacob) I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!

Jacob: Oh no *backs away* RUN!

(Jacob runs off into the woods with Esme in hot pursuit)

Sam: Why me? I'll go sort them out then...

Paul: Good luck sammy!

Sam: *rolls eyes* Don't freaking call me that, Paul.

Paul: Whatever..

Jasper: Hey, puppy Paulie, your turn

Paul: Nice name for me... Ok

Jasper: Truth or dare?

Paul: Dare!

Edward: I dare you to wear only a girl's g-string and prance around the Rez like a ballerina

Paul: Grrr, fine...

Emily: I'll go get one!

(She comes back two minutes later with a pink barbie g-string)

Leah: EPIC FAIL!

Seth: *bursts with laughter* LOOOOOOL!

Jared: Let's torture Edward by thinking images of Paul in a g-string dry humping Bella.

Bella: What the f***?

(everyone except Edward, Paul and Bella thinks)

Edward: AH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

(Everyone laughs their heads off)

Paul: *sigh* Ok, I'll go and do that then.

(Paul strips down to his undies and goes behind a tree to put the g-string on and comes out two minutes later)

Seth and Quil and Embry and Jared: *frozen laughter* !

Leah and Emily: HOLY SHIT! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Jasper and Emmett and Carlisle and Alice: EPIC EPIC EPIC EPIC LOL!

Edward: Why did I ever suggest that idea?

Rosalie: Eww! I'm not touching that!

Bella: Ok, I'm just gonna look away...

Edward: Well go ahead! Prance around the ENTIRE REZ!

Paul: Uhh, fine.

(Paul prances around point his toes like a ballerina going lalalalala)

Everyone: STOP PAUL! YOU'RE KILLING US WITH LAUGHTER

Paul: Good idea! *continues prancing around* Teletubbies! Teletubbies! Say hello! EEH-OH!

Everyone: !

Emmett: *finally breathes though he actually doesn't need to* Paul, you realised a taped all that?

Paul: *stops prancing around* WHAT?

Emmett: *laughs and then stops right away after seeing Paul expression* OH NO!

Paul: Arggh!

(Paul phases but unfortunately the g-string he is wear is super stretch)

Jared: Hey everybody! Paul's in wolf form still wearing a g-string!

Everybody: 

Paul: Woof?

Emmett: ! Takes out his recorder and records Paul again

Paul: GRRRRRR! *pounces on Emmett*

Emmett: *throws recording camera at Rosalie* Rose! Catch

Rosalie: *catches camera* I'm so posting this on my Facebook!

Paul: *turns around and lunges for Rosalie* ARGH!

Rosalie: Uh oh... *her hair catches on fire from the bonfire as she tries to dodge Paul* AH! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!

Everyone: Oh no...

(Everybody goes to get water to put her hair so she won't go on tantrums about not "saving her beautiful hair")

And so we leave our favourite wolves and vamps trying to save Rosalie's hair who is screaming her vampire head off)

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Well, I hope you enjoyed! Review pleasepleaseplease :D

**Episode 2**


	3. Episode 3

**Episode 3**

The wolves and the vampires are in a fancy Italian restaurant finishing off their food. Everybody else in the restaurant are looking suspiciously at the huge amount of food that the wolves are consuming.

Seth: Oh, yeah! That was the _best _pizza ever.

Paul: (to Jacob) Lol, I beat your world record of twelve pizzas in one sitting. I did twelve AND ONE SLICE! WOOTT!

Jacob: Well, you've gonna try harder next time... *shoves a whole pizza in his mouth and swallows it*

Paul: O. M. G...

Quil: Epic fail

Rosalie: Ugh, that is horribly disgusting, I would prefer to actually _cut my pizza delicately and chew it for at least 10 seconds before swallowing it!_

Edward: Exactly, _puppies_

Rosalie: Or should I say, giant over sized dogs that slobber everywhere and eat like pigs

Embry: *rolls eyes* Whatever

Leah: (to Emily) Oh my God, I should stop eating... I ate fifteen pizzas. I should keep my figure

Emily: (to Leah) You're so lucky, you eat so much and _still _stay thin like Justin Bieber's dick

Bella: That was a nice simile...

Emily: Lawl, yeah.

Sam: Did you just say you ate fifteen pizzas?

Jasper: FIFTEEN PIZZAS!

Alice: In one go, yes. I foresaw that before we even sat down at our table.

Paul: WHAT?

Jacob: Epic fail, you got beaten by the girl of our pack

Paul: You did too...

Jacob: Oh.. Right... Yeah.. My bad... *blushes red*

Rosalie: Eww, wouldn't you get fat, fatter than you are now?

Leah: Shut up blondie, I'm a werewolf, I eat an elephant and stay the thinness of Justin Bieber's dick.

Emmett: Lawl, awesome similie!

Emily: I made it up

Emmett: Sexy

Sam: HEY ARE YOU HITTING ON MY BABY GIRL?

Rosalie: Emmett! DON'T YOU ARE THINK OF CHEATING ON ME!

Emmett: I never said-

Rosalie: *slaps him* Oh, you mean pig! I'll screw your JB dick until it falls off and then I'll dice it and saute it and then I'll feed it to you!

Embry and Quil and Seth: LOOOOOOOL! PWNED BY THE BLONDIE!

Emmett: Umm, nice...

Sam: Now my turn to screw Emmett! Emmett's face that is...

Jacob: Lawl! He just said, now my turn to screw Emmett!

Paul: LOOOOOOL! EPIC FAIL!

Emily: (to Sam) WHAT? YOUR GAY? Argh! Now I have to get a sex change! Screw you!

Seth: LOOOOOOOL! SHE SAID SCREW YOU!

Alice and Jasper: EPIC FAIL!

Bella and Edward: How about we just continue eating...

Everybody else: Oh ok

(Everyone continues to eat)

Bella: Well that was random

Edward: Yes, it was

Jacob: (whispers to Paul) I'll piss off Rosalie by taking a huge bite of bread and chew right in her face and then I'll breathe out so the crumbs get in her hair!

Paul: Good luck with surviving that!

(Paul passes it onto Quil, Sam, Embry, Seth, Emmett and Leah Chinese Whispers style)

Quil: Good luck, man!

Embry: Yeah, it'll take all your wits to survive _that!_

Leah: I can't wait for you to get your dick cut off from that! LOOL

Emmett: Wait, I needa get my camera

Rosalie: What are you guys all muttering about? *shakes head*

Jacob: (mouth full of bread)Hey Rosalie, *crumbs spew out*

Rosalie: EWWWWWWW! EMMETT!

Emmett: What?

Rosalie: Ja-

Jacob: *keeps chewing and spews crumbs* Did Emmett ever tell you how much you resemble a plastic Barbie doll?

(Everyone else is trying to keep a straight face)

Rosalie: ARGH! bitch! *slaps him*

Jacob: *flies back* Ahhhhh! Holy shit

Emmett: *filmed* LOOOOOOOOL OWNED!

(Everyone laughs their faces off)

Rosalie: *runs over to him* I'll get you for that! I WENT TO THE HAIRDRESSER _ESPECIALLY _FOR THAT DO! *punches him again and again in his hoo haa*

Jacob: *face screwing up in agony* AHHHH! SORRY! STOP!

Sam: LOOOOOOOL! JACOB'S BEGGING A VAMP FOR MERCY!

Seth: A BLONDE VAMPIRE!

Rosalie: *finishes punching his you know what* Hey guys! His thingamagig fell off!

Everyone: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Jacob: NOOOOO! I spent seventeen years and nine months growing that! ARGH! It was even better than my sexy abs! ARGH! *starts crying like a little 5 year old kid*

Everyone: !

Jacob: *holds his severed hoo hah* WAHHH! WAH! WAAAAAH!

Carlisle: Fine, fine! I'll help sew it on!

Jacob: YAY!

Everyone: *starts chanting* LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT!

Carlisle: I want to, but I'm too nice

Everyone: 

Jacob: HAHA! PWNED!

Everyone: *puts on serious pissed off face*

Jacob: *shuts up*

(And so we leave our favourite doctor working out how to sew Jacob's p**** on. XOXO Gossip Girl - Fail)


End file.
